There’s just something about a birthday that makes it the perfect time to evaluate and reflect. Another year older, but (hopefully!) many more years ahead. Am I where I wanted to be? Am I who I wanted to be? Where do I go from here?
Where I Wanted To Be
The simple fact that this blog exists, with the premise it has, indicates I’m not quite where I wanted to be. I’m married with two beautiful children, living in a house that with a little work could be more than adequate. My career, however, is far from established, and I’m still floundering a bit with that whole money thing.
I had pictured myself, by the time I was this ripe old age of 36, to be settled: married (check), with kids (check, check), in a house (check again), an established writer (well…), financially secure (LOL), and overall happy, living the dream (getting there). Still, I have to look at where I was. I went through a bit of a crisis when I turned 30: struggling having kids, struggling getting published, unsure what I wanted to do with my life. A lot has changed in 6 years! Finances are worse, true, but everything else seems to be moving in the right direction. I have two wonderful kids, four self-published books (plus a couple of short e-books) under my belt, several projects underway that help bring me fulfillment. Am I exactly where I wanted to be? No. But I’m a heck of a lot closer than I was. And I know I’ll get there eventually.
Who I Wanted To Be
That’s a tricky one. Who did I want to be? Who do I want to be? I want to be a good person, and I think for the most part I succeed. I want to help people, make a difference. I want to be a good mom, a contributing member of society, a hard worker, a successful woman professionally. I want to have it all. Who doesn’t? Do I succeed? Sometimes. Not always.
Over the past several months I’ve been doing a lot of reflection, self-examination. I’ve been learning more about myself: who I really am, what my needs are, what I can do to get me where I want to be. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and it’s helped move me in the right direction. Am I perfect? Of course not. No one is, and I know I never will be. But I know I want to be the best person possible. I want to be proud of the person I’ve become. I want to feel successful and fulfilled — not by having a lot of money or the perfect house, but by being happy. And making others around me happy. I want to feel like all the different parts of me — all the different things that make me me — are being satisfied, and that I’m helping my kids reach their true potential, too.
A tall order? You bet. But I’m worth it!
Where Do I Go From Here?
I think for the most part I’m moving in the right direction. I know some days I need to work a little harder with Avery, and I know sometimes I need to work a little harder to clean the house. But overall I’m heading where I want to be. We have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies. My kids spend a large portion of their days smiling, happy and playing. My many projects may be slow going, but I’m determined, and I know I’ll get there. Each one represents a little part of me, and how can I deny one from being fulfilled?
Overall I’m happy with who I am and where I am. I have work to do, but I thrive on challenge. And, really, who would I be if I didn’t have something to work on? That is who I am: the woman with a million projects. So here’s to another great year of progress! May there be many more.